Handling Offences – Part 8 Reasons Why People Get Easily Offended

Reason #5: Their Assumptions Are Fallacious.

Many times, we make assumptions about people that are simply fallacious. These assumptions might seem to be true, but until we make the necessary finding or ask questions, we should never come to a conclusion about those offending us.

Most times, these assumptions are made from our insecure minds, and they really do nothing to help us, instead, they make us feel more hurt, resentment, bitterness and hatred. Yet, we hold on to them as though they’re going to help us or make things be better than they were before.

For example, if a pastor gets some sign in his church that members of his congregation do not like him. Accordingly, he begins to form false opinions, make fallacious assumptions and look for the smallest evidence he can get to justify his petty claims.

As a result of this, he makes a big deal of the smallest things his church members do to him. He gets mad, finicky, fastidious and fussy over trivial matters, even though he’s a pastor, why? He’s making fallacious assumptions about the members of his congregation and that’s controlling how he reacts towards them.

“Well,” you might ask, “what if the pastor’s assumptions were actually very true?” The truth is, even if the pastor’s assumptions were true, (1) he shouldn’t care what others think of him—it’s none of his business, (2) he could choose to dialogue with his congregation, instead of musing over negative thoughts (3) it wouldn’t matter nothing in the world so far, he doesn’t focus on those negative thoughts. As we saw in part 3 and part 4, the worst thing in the world to do is to focus on the wrong, negative things people do to you.

On the contrary, he could choose to think what he likes; the kind of assumption that’ll benefit him: “Every member of my congregation likes me”; “every member of my congregations is my friend. It’s called the necessary assumption.

There are necessary assumptions and there are unnecessary assumptions. The necessary ones are those positive assumptions that benefit you and those around you. The unnecessary assumptions are those negative assumptions that hurt you and those around you.

You’d have to embrace the positive assumptions if you want to be a blessing to those around you. On the contrary, if you want to be a poison to those around you you can as well choose to embrace the negative assumptions–the choice is yours.

Advertisements

Handling Offences – Part 7 Reasons Why People Get Easily Offended:

Reason #4 They Feel Guilty and Aren’t Willing to Learn From Corrections

In the last part [part 6], we talked about how that those who offend us are immature people and we should see them as babies. But, what if the person we’re getting offended at is actually right? What if the person offending us is someone respectable or knowledgeable, but just doesn’t know how to pass across his message in a way that wouldn’t offend you.

In case of occurences like this, you would have to do these four things:

  • Overlook their undiplomatic attitude: They might not be the most diplomatic person in the world; however, that doesn’t mean they’re dump. So, overlook the attitude and don’t react like they did.
  • Consider the validity of the message: If what they say is valid, implement it. If it’s not valid, ignore it.
  • Accept that you could be wrong: No one is perfect. It might be that they’re seeing something you can’t see.
  • Stop being so defensive: When you’re defensive, you’re only focused on yourself. And that makes you irrational in your analysis. Instead of immediately rejecting the information, you can learn to turn that poorly delivered information into knowledge you can use. That’s the hallmark of maturity.

You do all of these so that at least you can learn something. It’s very important to learn how to handle correction. The Bible says it’s a stupid person and a man without understanding that reject correction (Prov. 12:1, Prov. 15:32).

You see, you can’t afford to be offended all the time. It just doesn’t work that way. When you choose to be defensive all the time you immediately become the immature person, you become the one who analyses everything irrationally and from a selfish standpoint.

When it comes to taking correction, I want you to take a cue from King David in the Bible, who said: “Let a righteous man strike me — it is a kindness; let him rebuke me — it is oil on my head. My head will not refuse it” (Psalm 141: 5, NIV)

Handling Offences PART 6 – Reasons Why People Get Easily Offended:

Handling Offences – part 5

#3 They Haven’t Learnt How to Deal With Immature People

To learn how to deal with immature people, you first have to know who an immature person is and what he does. That takes us to my article on the 5 I’s of Immaturity, characteristics of immature people:

  1. Irrationality: They don’t do things that make sense. This is as a result of their self-centered nature, which blinds them from seeing anything outside of them.
  2. Immobility: They cannot change. Don’t expect them to. They’re stuck in immaturity.
  3. Irresponsibility: They think you’re responsible for them, but they’re never responsible for you. They can’t do anything to help you; they’re self-centered. They always want to hurt you with their irrational attitude.
  4. Insecurity: One reason why they always want to hurt you is because they feel hurt themselves. They’re insecure and act selfishly.
  5. Irritable: They’re fastidious, finicky, raunchy, grumpy and rude. They get mad at the smallest thing you do—so far they don’t feel good about it.

How do you deal with Immature folks?

  1. Don’t focus on what they did to you: More so because you already know they’re stupid. They couldn’t do any better than they already did. We spoke at length about this in part 4 and part 5.
  2. Set boundaries: Since you know they’re stupid, you can’t expect them to change just because you want them to; instead, set boundaries. Stop them when they try to be too loose with you. Learn to be assertive with them.

Not getting offended doesn’t mean you’re going to allow people to step on you like a doormat. It only means you’re not going to let their stupidity make you react stupidly. You don’t have to be a wimp. Give immature people a stern ‘no!’ when they try to play stupid with you—otherwise, they’ll always want to keep making a fool of you. It doesn’t take too much for them to understand you don’t validate them. Otherwise, they’ll believe you do, which, of course, makes them keep coming back to disrespect you even more.

  1. See them as babies: We’ve got to see immature people like babies, especially because that’s how they act most of the time. When they act stupidly, just like we do with babies, we don’t take what they do too personally. We might even laugh over their stupidity.

Whether they throw saliva on you, throw up on you, disturb you all day with their shrill sounding cry; we don’t get mad, we just overlook it and say, “after all, they’re just babies and nothing can change that.” You sure won’t give yourself a heart attack over someone who chooses to be immature; would you?

Thinking of immature people this way will go a long way in helping you deal with their offensive attitude. More so, it’ll make you less defensive, their actions won’t take you by surprise, and it’ll stop you from reacting emotionally. When a baby criticizes you, you probably won’t get worked up as you would if he weren’t a baby? Hence, here’s the deal: If they’re immature, they’re momentarily babies.

  1. Don’t respond emotionally: In essence, don’t care too much about what they do to let it bother you. Don’t take it too personally. It’s almost like I’m reiterating point one, but it bears repeating.

In addition to this, because you see them as immature or as babies you can play around with their foolishness. You can over-emphasize what they say to you to a point of absurdity. For example, if they’re laughing at you, you can laugh even louder. That way, an immature person would realize he isn’t getting no emotional response from you at all (that’s what they’re looking for), and every iota of desire to keep taunting you in him will vanish.

Handling Offences [Part 5] – Reasons Why People Get Easily Offended:

Reason #2. They Base Their Value on How People Treat Them

It’s an unreasonable, naive decision for anyone to place his or her value on how people treat them. In essence, they become a slave to people’s good or bad opinion of them. What people say about them controls their thoughts, feelings and emotions, and if people do hurtful things to them they become really hurt.

So, this viewpoint of self-value estimation isn’t very good because hurt people will hurt people. And it you put yourself in a position where people can easily hurt you, you can be really hurt. Consequently, that makes you want to go on and hurt other people.

When you place your value on how people treat you, you become excessively reliant on people. It makes you finicky over a simple ‘no’ someone tells you. You become fastidious with people; you want everything they do to please you. What’s more, if they forget to compliment you, you become mad. How much more when people consciously decide to offend you! It shows how crazy you can get. All because you’re people-dependent instead of self-dependent.

Self-respect is a very crucial part of one’s life. It you don’t respect or love yourself enough, you’ll never get enough of it from others. Even loving yourself is more important than loving others. That’s why Jesus says, you must love your neighbor just as much as you love yourself.” (Luke 10:27, TLB).

That simply means if you barely respect yourself, you’ll barely respect others. If you don’t love yourself, you’ll require love from others instead of you loving them. So make sure you love yourself enough so you can pass some of that love to others. That’s why Myles Munroe says, “the most important relationship in life isn’t interpersonal but intrapersonal relationship.” In other words, it’s more important for you to love yourself than loving others.

If you’re not comfortable with yourself, you’ll never be comfortable with others. Especially, when they do things that offend you, which then makes it hard for you to forgive them. Never wait for people to paint you, letting them decide how you see or think about yourself. You’ve got to learn to not give a damn what people think about you. Then, you won’t get too concerned about what they do to you.

The problem isn’t how people see you; it’s how you see yourself. The problem isn’t how people treat you; it’s how you treat yourself. So, instead of getting mad at people for not valuing you enough. Turn the tide over and begin to value yourself.

Handling Offences [Part 4] 16 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Focus on the Wrong They Did to You:

Handling Offences – Part 3

16 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Focus on the Wrong They Did to You:

  1. What they do to you is none of your business. God would hold them accountable for their action.
  2. What you do to them is your business. And you’d be held responsible for any immature action you undertake.
  3. What they say or don’t say doesn’t give you value. God has given you value. God’s authority is greater than man’s majority
  4. Hurt people will hurt people. Don’t assume the main reason they did it was because they hated you. There’s something pricking them on the inside, making them feel insecure and sensitive.
  5. There’s no dividend when you focus on how badly someone treated you. It’ll only make you negative and gloomy while the other person is happy, having forgotten he even offended you.
  6. You ought not to focus on anything that doesn’t make you feel good. You ought to let it go.
  7. It helps you let go of the emotional hurt and makes you feel better.
  8. It frees you from the emotional baggage that keeps you in the hold of depression.
  9. It can negatively affect your health.
  10. It can damage your self-image, causing you to decide how you see yourself from how people treat you.
  11. It frees you from devising dangerous vendetta strategies that might put you in trouble in the long run or even cause you to end up in hell.
  12. It’s a normal part of life to be offended by people. Jesus says it’s impossible to not get offended by people (Luke 17:1).
  13. It stirs your emotions negatively and makes you react from a prejudiced, irrational view.
  14. It’s a total waste of time. It does nothing good to you, but does bad things to you.
  15. It frees you and makes you happy.

16. You might, perhaps, have done the same if you were in their shoes. You don’t know how hurt they were before they decided to hurt you, too. Anyone thinking like them–including you–would probably do the same thing.

Handling Offences [Part 3] – Reasons Why People Get Easily Offended:

Handling Offences – Part 2

Reason #1. They Focus on What People Did to Them.

The most powerful thing you can do with your mind is to focus it on something. Equally, the most dangerous thing you can do with your mind is to focus it on negative things. Conversely, the most beneficial thing you can do with your mind is to focus it on positive things; something that’ll benefit you in the long run.

The best way to handle offences is to let it go. The worst way to handle offence is to harbour it in your mind. When you do, it results in hatred, bitterness, anger, resentment, and all kinds of negative emotions.

It’s very important for you to learn the art of letting go and shrugging off the hurt, offence, insult, hurt and all those unpalatable things people did to you. Sure enough, you don’t want people to stop you from moving forward in life while they keep on enjoying theirs.

But, that’s what’s going to happen when you focus on what thing they did to you. When your mind is cluttered up with the negative and toxic thoughts of what people did wrongly to you. You become immobilized.

If your thoughts are focused on the wrong things, you’re kept in bondage and you clog the wheels of your progress and success in life.

This is why it’s so important to forgive people if they offend you. It really doesn’t matter what people do to you, what matters is how you respond. As we saw in our last post, insulting someone can take you to hell. Now, it’s you who’s in danger of hell here. You might as well forgive them.

More so, if you don’t forgive people, God will not forgive you (Mt. 6:15). This might be a little hard but it’s just goes to show how personal the consequences are when you focus on the wrong things—especially things that don’t make you want to forgive people who offend you.

In the next part of this series, we would consider the 16 reasons why you shouldn’t focus your mind on what people did wrongly to you.

Handling Offences [Part 2] Offences: A subtle Pull to a Lower Ground

Handling Offences – Part 1

The temptation to get offended is pretty much inevitable; so it’s alright to be tempted with such. However, the person causing us to get offended is not alright; he’s got a problem. You see, knowing this is very important because people need to see that when a person tempts us with offences, he’s inviting us to join him in being “not alright.” He’s using the trap of offence to lure us into acting in a similar way.

There’s a distinction between the offender and the one being offended. There’s a fight for self-importance here, and, obviously, the offender feels less important than the person he’s offending. And that feeling made him go the low road (the road offenders take), which shows he’s really an ignoble person.

And if you don’t know this, you’ll be tempted into sharply replying your offender, thus causing you to go even lower than he did. And then he’s gets more angry and he goes even lower. Meanwhile, you’re tempted to believe that you’re more important and honorable, because you gave a sharper and more savage reply, but you’re wrong.

Humility comes before honor (Proverbs 18:12), not pride. Also, it’s honorable to be the first to pull out from strife; the one who continues quarrellings is a fool (Prov. 20:3). So you see, it’s not noble to keep on quarrelling.

It’s, of course, very tempting to sharply reply a fool, but the Bible says it’s not the higher ground—it’s not honorable to do so.

The distinction between the high ground and the low ground is as wide a heaven is from hell. Your decision to go the high ground or low ground is a matter of heaven and hell. Jesus said if you insult someone by calling him a worthless person you’ll be in danger of hell fire (Mt. 5:22), but if harsh words are being hurled at you and you don’t retort, but you, instead, rejoice, you’ll receive a great reward in heaven (Mt. 5:12).

I don’t know about you, but I’ll rather choose to get a reward in heaven than go to hell for insulting someone. I mean, it’s just not worth it at all. When someone tries to pull you into the low ground, he’s pulling you into immaturity, irrationality, ignobility, a sense of insecurity—and ultimately deep into hell. Don’t deign! Don’t go there! Don’t go the low ground!